I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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