Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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