Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
