I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
