I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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