oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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