I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dignity is for republicans.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
