apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
