please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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