So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
