If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
