Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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