im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
