go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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