I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
