I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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