I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
