so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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