i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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