the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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