If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize