I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
