Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
