My friends, they love my intelligence
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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