i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
