I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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