dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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