And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
