the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
being pregnant is like rehab
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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