so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
