I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize