I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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