Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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