the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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