speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
