I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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