i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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