the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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