Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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