Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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