I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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