there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
