Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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