i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
