also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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