I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
