none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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