When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
