I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
