Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
