News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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