She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize