Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
