so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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