i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
