i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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