Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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