Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
