My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
