dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
