someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
