well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
